Spikes Blog

Why I am the way I am

2008-11-05T20:26:43Z

Ok, to start with I thought I should mention I rarely update this nowadays. I have also deleted the majority of entries from my deadjournal and kept the ones which are most important to me personally. I have yet to transfer some of the older ones to my livjournal though, but should hopefully have both journals with exactly the same entries in evenually. I am from now on only going to post when I feel theres something important I want to write about.

So, onto what I want to write about. I'm pretty sure anyone reading this would not dissagree with me when I say I'm different. I think, after all these years that there is actually a reason for it.
Most people know my niece Eleanor is severely dissabled, and it turns out my Nephew Jacob may also be. Theres a very likely possibility that he is autistic, at the moment it is hard to tell for sure, but its vey likely he is. Personally I don't think it will be too severe a case if he is, but we won't really know until hes older. Anyway the thing is, I think I am also Autistic.
Claire has obviously seen several doctors about jacob, one of which is Austistic himself, asking Claire if anyone else in the family is, Claire described me to him, and this doctor thinks I am very likely to be, he also thinks I should get myself checked, but to be honest I don't see what the point would be now.

I've read up a fair bit on it since, and the more I read the more I am sure, I'm about 99.9% sure in fact. I had a very tough childhood, I was never a normal kid and had so many problems, a lot I'd not really like to mention as they are quite embarassing. I think though if I am Autistic I am certainly a lot better than I was as a kid. Some signs that I am, which I am happy to mention are as follows:

I was very much behind at school, especially reading and writin, it wasn't until I was in my mid teens that I greatly improved, acualy improved a lot to the point I was told by a teacher I could be a writer.

I very rarely like to show my emotions, at schhol I was known as the kid who never cried, I still hide a lot of my emotions now.

I avoid eye contact with people, mainly people I don't know, but I can quite easily have a whole converstion with someone without eye contact, and I know I certainly still do this a lot, in fact with most people I do it.

I can be very blunt, sometimes it can seem to be rude, but its not intentional.

I can be very introvert or very extrovert, when I am extrovert I can be very much in your face and can often take things too far, or simply be annoying.

I was always excellent at jigsaw puzzles, in fact I still am, I can quite esily do a complicated puzzle very quikly.

I had a very difficult birth and nearly died, infact I wasn't even breathing when I came out. It is often said that a difficult birth can cause Autism.

There are a lot more things that make me believe I am Autistic, some more major ones which I'd rather not mention. I don't see it as a bad thing as such if I am Autistic, a part of me likes being different, and I am certainly a lot better than I was if I am.
There is however one thing that does bother me. The doctor Claire spoke to said a lot of Autisic people stay in the same job all their lives, which is often something basic, and never go anywhere, also more extreme Autistic people rarely Marry or get into serious relationships as they find it hard.
Both apply to me, I mean I've been an office cleaner for 11 years, I have applied for few jobs, but theres part of me that is very scared about getting another job and thats partly why I'm not really pushing myself. As for relationships, Jayjay always said to me I'd chase a girl and when she was interested I wouldn't be, which is very true, I do find it hard to commit to a relationship.

So I'm pretty damn sure I have Autism, which in a way I am somewhat happy about as it sure as hell explains a lot about me, especially my childhood.

spikes_insane @ 2008-08-01T02:58:00

2008-08-01T01:58:42Z

I thought it was about time I made an update, could be kinda long, but what the heck.

Wednesday was exactly a year since my suicide attempt. Obviously things are a lot better now (well for the most part, but I'll go into that shortly). Obviously its still something I think about, not as much as I did, and still something I regret. Havn't seen Nicola since it happened, which I deffinitely still think is for the best. I do still think about her quite often, but again not as much as I did, which I think is a good thing. Would be nice to know how she is and what shes up to nowadays, but I still think it'd be best to never see her again.
I've been with a few women since, nothing serious though, I think I find it hard to get close now, but who knows maybe I'll find myself a nice bird one day. It is mega hard though with my personality and weird tastes.

Job wise, I'm still in the same crappy job, although I really wish I wasn't. I applied for Evolutions where Alex works and had an interview, but didn't get the job. I then reapplied again a few weeks back, but never got asked for an interview this time, or even a reply :oS
I am desperate to get out of the council though, from next week things are going to go to shit. Our section has now been taken over by another area of the council, and to be honest, they have not got a bloody clue what they are doing. They are trying to cut costs, so all the temps we had working for us are now going, which will cut our team down to half.
Now I know I don't have a great deal to do at work, and I'd not mind being given more work, but the work I have now been given is ridiculous. I'm being given two floors which which normally take 3 hours each, and 2 other floors which will normally take 1 hour each. So, a total of 8 hours work, which needs to be done in 4 hours up to a high standard. Whats more, we're still expected to cover for other people if they aren't in, as they're doing away with the temps, which will mean 16 hours work in 4 hours? yeah right!
Iris has left, taken early retirement, as she thinks its ridiculous, so I have also been given an extra one of her floors to do now shes gone. I think what it is, is that they want to get rid of the 4 hour cleaners, and as I still do 4 hours they are trying to force me out by given me ridiculous amonts of work, as the 3 hour cleaners have nowhere near as much (I wish I was still in the union). Pretty much everyone is wanting to leave though, its just they can't afford to, which is the same with me.
I need to get myself something before I can leave, I really don't want to be unemployed. Having said that though, I'm going to see what happen next week, if its as bad as I think it'll be, and if anyone even dares to complain, I'll tell them to fuck off and walk out.
Also next week, now Iris has left, and Kevin and Carol are on holiday, I'm the only person in (unless they do get a temp), but there is no way in hell I can cover a building which used to employ 8 cleaners, and will just be me!!! It just can not be done!
I wasn't really stressing too much about all this until today being given an extra floor due to Iris leaving, but now I'm quite stressed and worried by it all. I guess I'll just have to stick with it for now until I find something else. Maybe I'll just have to go into a warehouse job or something temporarily, and I know I'll hate that, but the question is, what job will I hate more?

So what are my plans?
I think I shall see if I can get a runners job at the bbc, or maybe even consider applying for a job as Hamleys. They have a magician there in the magic section, working there would be great and possibly help me get into a magic career.
The other thing I could consider is going to uni, although I think I'm too late to apply this year. I met a bird a few months back who does a special effects type course, monster making and stuff, which was always my dream growing up, yet in career interviews they'd just tell me to do an art course and didn't know what I was on about. I wish I'd known about the course when I was finishing school, although maybe they never had it back then. Anyway that could be a dream come true, it'd just mean being a mega poor student for a good few years, and then I'm not guaranteed work at the end of it either, hmm.

I guess theres always a miniscule chance I'll win the lottery on Saturday, failing that I might have to finally turn to a life of crime, a conman!

spikes_insane @ 2008-06-17T02:06:00

2008-06-17T01:07:17Z

Well, its been a while since I last updated this. I could do a post about things which I've been up to, since my last entry, but I really can't be arsed, although I should probably quickly mention we successflly completed the Bakerloo line pubcrawl.

Saturday night Trig was back down in Stevenage as hes off to Spain for the summer. Everyone was pretty skint so we had some beers round Russels, but then headed to Chicagos a bit later on. Was a good night, been ages since I've seen a lot of peeps, so was good to catch up.
I was fairly pissed by the time we got to Chicagos, and went around looking for birds with Trig to chat up with the aid of magic. Tried a couple of birds, who really didn't seem interested at all, but then we spotted a nice looking bird sitting on her own. Think she was pretty impressed, so then I got chatting to her, and spent the rest of the night doing so, while Trig went off elsewhere. She was a nice bird from what I can remember, although its a bit hazy and don't exactly remember what we talked about. She said her name was 'Icky', and that her real name was Nicola (not another one, this must be the fourth or fifth by now, I'm not doing too good at avoiding Nicolas :oS).
Thinking about it, maybe she said she was called 'Nicky' and I just thought she said 'Icky' although I did ask if she'd said Icky, and if it was with an I, to which she said yes.
Don't remember a lot else, although she didn't live in Stevenage, but her mum did and she was often in town, and something about her living on or having lived on a farm, which I'm not entirely sure how that came into the convo, but seem to remember something about sheep noises or something.
Anyway, I asked for her number, but she said she didn't have a phone or something, but she did want to write my number down and said she'd text me in a couple of days. She then had to go as she was out with her mum and aunty, so I headed off then too as I didn't know if anyone else was still in Chicagos, plus I did have to be up early for Walk for Crohns on Sunday. Wether or not I'll hear from her, I dunno, but would be cool as she was cool from what I remember.

spikes_insane @ 2008-04-15T14:49:00

2008-04-15T13:56:32Z

I don't update this thing enough anymore.
Anyway, it was the Circle Line Pub Crawl on Saturday! What a wicked day! I know it wasn't actually in favour of my birthday, it just worked out that weekend, but that was probably the best birthday weekend ever. Bloody top banana. I'm so glad we actually completed it this time too!
Aterwards me and Alex went back to Candis' flat, where we drank even more which probably wasn't such a good idea, as the next day I was very hungover.
I certainly do like this Candis girl, but the fact she has a boyfriend may not be such a good thing to pursue just yet. He could be a bloody big bloke :oS
Anyway, c't wait for the Monopoly Crawl in the summer, and opefully looking forward to another crawl we may do before that!

Women

2008-03-27T20:38:44Z

I never seem to update this very much lately. So, what has been going on in the world of Spike?
Well, Friday was Yoshis Stag Do. Was a cool night from what I remember, I think Alex and myself over did it on shots in revolution though, as the night after that is somewhat hazy, and Alex hardly remembers anything. To top off the night though, I got the 5am train home and met some fellow Stevenage people I sat with. I ended up showing one of them the fire trick and set the poor girls hair on fire. Thankfully she took it well and couldn't stop laughing. I even ended up getting her number afterwards, Top Banana!
Sunday I went to Metalworks with Nina, ended up meeting another bird there, but she was 35, but studies special effect and make up, which I always wanted to do. Also ended up getting her number, Top Banana!
Then last night was the King Lizard showcase gig, after failing to help Ross pull, we ended up going into Lloyds bar where there were 2 girls sitting, so I decided to do some magic for them. One was bloody stunning! and mega cool! She said at one point something along the lines of 'You've really cheered me up tonight, not just with your magic but your personality as you're very full of enery'. She was really cool though, I got her email and she was like 'make sure you email me tomorrow', Top Banana! I probably should have tried to get her number too, as I imagine she'd have let me have it. Also before she went she gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek, and I'm pretty sure she knew I was trying to chat her up. I did like her though, sent her an email, no reply yet, but hope I will get one. I would definitely like to get to know her a bit more.

spikes_insane @ 2008-03-03T23:32:00

2008-03-03T23:42:47Z

I've been lzy. I havn't properly updated this for a while. I've been up to quite a few things which have all been pretty cool. Alex and Jayjays birthday was o Saturday which was cool, accoustic gig at Bar Monsta the Tuesday before, and the Saturday before that a piss up saying goodbye to Shibs and Marts flat. Lots happened on each occasion, including meeting hot birds I tried to seduce with magic. Also I got on quizcall which me and Mart both found to be pretty hillarious, even if I did miss out on winning £3000.
Anyway, was back at work today after a week off, and Iris told me Gordon was dead. I was pretty shocked at the news and a bit gutted I'd not known last week, as I'd have gone to the funeral. She said she wrote my name on a card though, which I'm at least glad about.
Can't remember if I've mentione in my previous posts now, but the council are changing a lot of things at the moment, apparently my hours will be changing. We've not had a meeting yet, but I wish they'd bloody hurry up and let me know. I am hoping I will be given the opportunity for redundancy, which I'll deffinitely take. This will finally get me out of the council and on to another job I will enjoy and be ableto eventually get somewhere with. At the moment I'm gonna apply to the place where Alex works as a runner. I'm not guaranteed a job there, but Alex says they always need runners, plus I think its a job I'll enjoy, although it'll be difficult hours, basic pay and a lot of work to start with, I'm hoping it'd eventually pay off and I'd gradually progress into something which will pay well.
If I don't get a job there I think I'll apply to the bbc to be a runner. Anyway, I'm just hoping I'll be made redundant soon, I should get about 8-10 weeks as I've been thre so long.

spikes_insane @ 2008-02-14T13:58:00

2008-02-14T13:59:07Z

Its probably time I did an update. The thing is I've ben pretty busy lately that Ive been lazy and not updated and have probably forgotten things, so I'll try to just summarise.

The soul weekend was top banana! Although this year I was more worn out and only made it to Jaks on the Friday. I think its because we had a late night on the Thursday too, which meant by Saturday night we were knackered. One hi-light was winning 3 huge cuddly toys (Yoshi and 2 Donkey Kongs) only spending a quid, I think Mart was jealous. Would like to do another one soon though, I'm up for an 80s one.

Last weekend was out on the Friday for the Pure Rawk Awards, and then up mega early Saturday for the 12 hour drinking session. To start it was just me and Alex and Donky Kong, as I took one along to try to get rid of him, and a small Sponge Bob I'd won too.
Me and Alex were also dressed up as doctors. Anyway later on we were Joined by Jayjay, Steve and Tara.
I managed to give my Sponge Bob to 2 hot girls on the street, who I'd also given a quick medical to, along with my card of course. They said they'd meet me in Crouchs, but I never saw them. Met a couple more birds in there too who were cool.
After 11pm Jayjay and Steve headed off, but me Alex and Tara carried on, and then met up with Taras mate Kylie in the fox. Anyway, Alex and myself must have done about 15 or 16 hours drinking by the end! Hardcore!
Donkey Kong ended up turning into a tranny and went with Tara, me and Alex wandered about for a bit, then I got a train home at 6am. Finally got home by about 7am and promptly went to bed. Overall a top day! Can't wait for the Circle Line Pub Crawl.

spikes_insane @ 2007-10-05T21:06:00

2007-10-05T20:18:58Z

Wednesday I met Faith after work for a few drinks. Well, I say a few drinks, thats all it was meant to be, but at 11.20pm were still in Ben Crouchs although being kicked out and wanted to stay out a bit longer. After a bit of walking we decided to go into O'Neils as it was open until 3am and my last train wasn't until 1.30am anyway.
When we first went in we were told to go to the top floor 'The Party room' we only wanted a few quiet drinks in there, but it was jam packed blaring out some classic cheesey tunes. After a while we made our way down to the floor below and had some more there. It was getting late now and having such a laugh I decided to miss my train and we decided to stay up all night. Finally left O'Neils around 3am and then walked around London for a bit. Some guy wanted to sell me a rose for £3 but I managed to get him down to 50p, bargain!
We made our way to Hyde park and decided to jump the fences. When we were in there though, we noticed some cars driving inside the park, I think patroling for intruders, so we jumped out again.
We then carried on walking the streets of London and finally got to Knightsbridge around about 5am. Spent a bit of time there but weren't really sure what to do. So we flagged down a Taxi and asked how much it would be to Stevenage. He said it'd be close to £100, but we managed to get him down to £50, he was a nice bloke as it goes.
So, finally around about 6am we got back to mine.
Had a really good time, although I was knackered going to work on Thursdy having had no sleep.
Might meet up with her again tomorrow, not too sure yet. If not it'll e a week or so as shes on holiday for a week.

Two Months on

2007-09-27T20:08:46Z

Ok, so its been 2 months since July 30th, and 2 months since I last saw Nicola. God its gone quick, still only seems like a week ago. I still miss her and care for her, I always will do. However I think things have got easier and I'm finally able to move on.
Things have been hard the last couple of months, even when I've seemed ok things have still been very hard, I've just been very good at hiding it. Just cuz I've been smiling on the outside doesn't mean I have been on the inside too.
Anyway things have gradually got easier, and I certainly couldn't have got by without the support I've had from my family and friend, some I expected support from and even ones I didn't. I guess sometimes you don't always realise how much people do care, and I have learnt in the past 2 months that I do have true friends who I hope always will be there.
I still consider Nicola one of the best friends I've ever had and I think that'll always be the case. Wether or not I'll see her again, who knows, but in some ways it may be better that I don't see her again as it'd probaby just bring up a lot of pain and hurt.
At last I am starting to feel a bit more like my good old self, so watch out world, I'M BACK AND I'M A BLOODY ANIMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

spikes_insane @ 2007-09-24T21:47:00

2007-09-24T21:14:23Z

An update on the weekends events. No doubt I'll forget a couple of bits as quite a lot happened.
Friday I went to Ben Crouches before King Lizard, as usual it was just me and DM to start with. When I first got there though, DM was sitting wih 3 birds. I did wonder if he was with them, but aas he wasn't. I was hoping they'd be there a whle so I could sow them some magic, but they left after about half an hour of me being there, damn.
Then Alex arrived, which is around about the time I noticed some other girls in the corner booth. While Alex and DM were at the bar I was playing with my cards, which is about the time I noticed one of the girls also had some cards, blue backed bikes. Could it be possible she was a magician? When Alex and DM came back I asked her, and she kinda was, knows a few basic tricks and stuff, although she could do a really cool cut which fliced out a card, need to learn that. Turned out it was her mates birthday though so I went over to their table and did some magic for them. I even gave away one of my bunnys, it had a broken leg though, so I couldn't do much with it.
After a while they left too, bum, who could I entertain now? Just before they left Sarah arrived which was cool, I didn't think she'd actually come. Then not too much later Katie and Thai finally joined us, ad then quite a lot later Nina joined us after work. Spent lots of time chatting and getting drunk,but I was in need of performing again. I noticed a large group which mainly consisted of girls in the corner booth, but was unsure if I should go up. After a while most of them seemed to have left the table for the bar, leaving two birds, who I went to and performed to. Then gradually they started coming back one by one, all wanting me to do more magic. It was excellent, they were a great crowd and really enjoyed it, but we were being rushed as it was getting late and we needed to get to the gig. So I finished off on the bottle trick, which really shocked them and then left them my card and a free deck of cards I was no longer going to use and made my way to Sin. Fantastic!
I am definitely getting up the couage to just approach people now with magic. I normally have a few drinks first, but the more I do it the better I'm going to be a performing to strangers!
So anyway, at Sin I tried to smuggle in a bottle of JD which belonged to Sarah, but at the last second of being searched, it wa found and confiscated, bugger. Sin was pretty cool, 4 floors and several different rooms. I then proceeded to get wasted. Was a great night in Sin although things are a little Hazy. I mainly remember Nina throwing up into a cup, think she managed to fill up 2 cups of vomit by the end of the night, without spilling a drop outside the cups, pretty impressive yet also pretty sick at the same time.
I think we left Sin at about 3am, butI'm not totally sure. Katie and Thai were picked up, and we got Nina into a taxi. So then me Alex and Sarah went looking for food. On the way we found a great traffic cone, which I thin we put on Sarahs head at one point and I was trying to lead er around as she couldn't see. After walking about aimlessly for a while we finally hit China Town for a take away. Not long after that though, disaster struck! I heard a voice saying 'What you doing with a taffic cone mate?' I looked around and it was a bloody young copper. He then said something along the words of 'If you don't return that to where you foundit in 30 seconds I'm gonna arrest you'. 'Shit' is what sprung to mind, as well as 'Twat'. So I walked back a bit of the way, not knowing where the heck I'd found it as we'd had it forbloody ages, and I just left it on the pavement. What a complete cock though, it was only a traffic cone. If it'd been the chair from the pub crawl, thats a bit more understandable.
Anyway, after that we got a bus back to Alexs. Alex slept, and me and Sarah sat and watched TV for a bit, think I managed about an hours sleep I dunno.

Saturday morning Alex was still in bed so me and Sarah made out way home, where I was feeling very hungover with a splitting headache. I finally got in about 11'ish I think, where I went straight to bed, but I only had an hour as I had to help with the food and make a fudge cake.
Got up, heped out with the food and stuff, an then people started to arrive for Nans 70th. o start with I didn;t really know what to do with myself. I was drinking but a bit bored, so I got out the Tequila and Vodka and what not and mixed some shots for me and Claire to down. Finally by early evening I was on my way to getting drunk, and feeling much more sociable. Nt really sure what I was blabbering on about to people, but I d remember being in the garden and everyone sitting around while I was doing magic. Tat was really cool, really enjoyed that although I was pretty wasted by that point. Anyway overall the party went without a hitch which was top banana.

Sunday I spent mainly just chilling out and recovering from the previous 2 nights.
Now I'm gonna have to start getting some bis sorted for next weekend, I'm quite looking forward to it. If its a really nice day I might consider putting the karaoke out in the garden, but I'll see how it goes, and I'd obviously have to move it indoors before it got too late incase of waking the neighbours.

V Festival 2007

2007-08-21T12:30:48Z

Right, I suppose I'd better get around to doing an update about the weekend. I know i'm going to end up missing lots of bits out, but I'll try to type up what I can remember.

Friday
Got to Grange park about half ten, popped to sainsburys for food and beer. It was definitely a good idea to take lots of our own food this year with a camping stove, saved a fair bit of money doing that.
Then we were on our way to V, the traffic was a bit of a nightmare but we eventually got there.
After we'd set up our tents and what not, got our wristbands and stuff, it was just a case of drinking beer. Met up with Marts sis and her bloke and chilled at their tent for a bit, then headed back to our one for more drink.
Not long after that we met up with some bird I know from the V Festival forum, Nicky. Spent some time with her and her mates at their tents, and showed them some magic, which seemed to go down well.
Then it was back to our tent for more beer, but Debs, Shibs and Mart were knackered and went to bed, so I caught up with Nicky and her mates again, and it was off to the Bar Bar Bar at the blue site for more drinking, fantastic!

Saturday
After a few beers in the morning we went to the Arena to catch the Proclaimers, and saw a queue for beer tokens. It wasn't huge, so we assumed we'd be served in under an hour. Two and a half bloody hours we queued, mainly due to people pushing in from the sides, absolute nightmare. Ended up missing the first 3 or 4 acts due to this. Finally after Shibs and Mart had been served we went for some beer, fantastic!
Managed to catch the end of 'The Fray', finally actually being able to see a band! Then we made our way to JJB to see 'Sinead o'Connor', soon as she'd sung 'Nothing compares' (which was top banana) we were back off to the tents for food and beer as it was late afternoon now, and most of the time had been spent in the beer token queue. The others had another kip, so I just sat around drinking vodka and getting pissed.
An hour or two later and we were back to the arena to catch Snow Patrol who were pretty cool.
On the Friday I had worn my hat for a little bit (a top hat i'd made out of playing cards), I'd only planned to wear it briefly friday, but it got some attention, so I wore it Saturday too. Could not believe how many people came up to me and the amount of people I met just from wearing a hat made of cards. This also gave me a great excuse to show lots of people magic, which was fantastic, I loved it, really has got me totally loving magic right now, more so than painting.
After Snow Patrol, me Shibs and Debbs caught the end of 'The Happy Mondays' who were top banana, and then watched 'The Kooks', who were pretty good, but I don't quite understand why they headlined,only having one album.
Then it was back to the tents where we met up with Martin, ate some potatoes, left Debbs to sleep and went to the blue site to the Bar Bar Bar, where once again it was all kicking off big time, and my hat was still getting lots of attention.
I was now pretty pissed but showed lots of people magic tricks which was cool, and met lots of cool new people, including CJ, who Shibs was trying to get to show her tits, and Esin and Sarah.
The Bar Bar Bar eventually closed, so we walked back to the tents, meeting all sorts of people on the way, including some security I showed magic to and a Spanish Rapper called 'Kid Masta' who gave us a rap!
We sat and had another beer back at the tent, and then got some sleep.

Sunday
Again we started the day with a few beers, although it was pissing it down. Spent some time playing 20 questions, which was a little confusing, as I was not aware of 'Judge Judy' being a big fat black mama.
After that we made our way to the Arena to see 'The Goo Goo Dolls', but damn they started early, missed 'Slide' although heard it on the way there, and luckily we made it there for 'Iris'.
Next up was 'James Morrison' who I missed a bit of as I had to go back to the tent as I'd forgotten my contacts. Then we made our way close to the front for 'KT Tunstall' who was surprisingly quite good.
We decided to skip the Fratellis and grab a bite to eat, and then we split up. Shibs and Mart went to see 'Mika' and 'Lilly Allen' and me and Debbs wanted to wait for 'James'.
While me and Debbs were waiting around we still got lots of attention from my hat, including some weird weird guy, who instead of taking a photo like most people had, decided to film us both. He was kinda scary in a nerdy serial killer type way, but luckily he soon buggered off.
Then I got a group of young girls, one of which stole my bloody hat. I managed to catch up with her and get it back, but she tried to get off with me. She was only about 15 so I said 'sorry love you're too young' to which she didn't take to too kindly, but what else was I meant to say :oS
We made our way to 'James', a fair few of the songs I didn't know, but 'Sit Down' and 'Laid' were wicked! We then made our way to find Shibs and Mart, and bumped into a couple of birds who once again commented on my hat. Turned out one of them was going out with a magician, who is getting quite big. Hadn't heard of him but have since checked out his website and he seems cool. Anyway I chatted to her for a bit as I found it really interesting what she was telling me about him, and how much he makes from it all. After all the performing magic for people over the weekend, this chat had really got me even more motivated in to doing something with my magic! After that we then headed to find Shibs and Mart, and caught the end of 'Lilly Allen', she was ok I guess, but i'm not really a fan.
When we'd all met up again me and Mart went to the bar, ended up bumping into Esin and Sarah again and chatted to them for a while before going over to watch 'The Manics'. Really enjoyed their set, I think they were one of the top bands I saw over the weekend. Towards the end of their set we made our way to the front which was cool, although it then started to rain, bugger.
By the end of 'The Manics' it was getting pretty damn wet, so we grabbed more beer, Debbs headed to the tent and me Shibs and Mart watched 'Basement Jaxx' who were pretty cool! Only problem then though was the rain which really did end up getting us drenched.
After that we made our way back to the tents, still pissing it down and we kinda went the wrong way, but met so many pissed people on the way back. These included Buzz Lightyear and Jesus walking arm in arm, Superman with Kryptonite on his head having been injured and being picked up by WonderWoman, and a group of lads who'd been fighting and were pouring with blood from their arms.
It was about this time that my hat was now very soggy and had expanded and was falling over my eyes, I had to make a decission. So many people had asked for the hat over the weekend, and I originally had intended to give it away to someone on the Sunday night, but who? It was also way too soggy now to wear, so I threw it into the wind for some random litter picker to throw away the next day.
I felt a bit bad about losing my hat, but we were in luck! I then found an umbrella on the way back which I was twirling around, dancing and singing 'singing in the rain' with before we then went on to some classic pop songs, a lot seemed to be 'Pete Waterman' though, which may not have been so good.
Got back to the tent, was still pissing down, so while the others slept I tried to drink the rest of my beers, and then got some sleep.

Monday
We were all pretty tired and wet. Packed up our stuff, went back to the car and Shibs drove us back. Still had some Vodka left, so I drank it in the car and ended up getting a bit pissed in the back, certainly woke me up a bit though. Then got a train back to Stevenage, got picked up by my Mum, chilled for an hour or two, and then slept through the afternoon.

Overall a top weekend, just a shame about the weather. Am definitely wanting to go again next year, but I don't know about the others yet. The tickets for next year are already on sale, but only for a week, which I can no way afford. I'll wait until next year to get one, and if Shibs, Mart and Debbs don't want to go I'll find someoe else hopefully. I also definitely am going to make another hat out of cards for next year!

spikes_insane @ 2007-08-13T11:48:00

2007-08-13T11:01:16Z

This weekend was much needed. At first I wasn't too sure how I'd be, ad I think at the start I was pretty quiet. I decided to drink though, and ended up having bloody good time.
We didn't make all the pubs, missed out the last 2 due to time, but 25 pubs isn't bad. I didn't drink in them all either, missed a couple out, but think I must have done about 22 at least? And I made up for not drinking later, stopped off at a shop, bottle of vodka and we we back to Alexs for a drinking game, which only me and Maddie played in the end, so I was then wasted and don't remember very much else from then on. Though I as apparently throwing up.
Anyway I wanna do it again soon, was great at this time of the year too!
The best thing I nicked this time was a chair from paddinton station, which we then carried into the rest of the pubs we went to, and no one said a word. Milkys stolen toilet seat was also a great item, which was left in the following pub which allowed in toilet seats, but not David and his sandwiches.
Lots happened to make it a top day, and today I am still knackered, all my joints are hurting.
I actually got a barmaids number too which was pretty cool. Well, when I say number, she forgot it but gave me her msn, wanted me to have her number though, simply cuz I showed her a magic trick then tried to chat her up. I think I need to do this more often, as I think it'll help with things. Thats if it is a genuine msn though I guess.
Anyway, great weekend, thanks to everyone who was there for making it so cool!

spikes_insane @ 2007-08-10T13:16:00

2007-08-10T12:22:21Z

I've written out a letter. Maybe its a stupid idea, I don't know. I don't even know if she'll read it, she may just bin it, I hope she will read it though as it says things I want her to read.
I guess I have nothing to lose though, she doesn't want to remain friends anymore, so I havn't lost her friendship by sending it as its already lost, but who knows, I am hoping it'll help her to forgive me.
I have tried to forget about her, but its too hard when shes meant so much to me as a friend.
I guess this will make things harder on me too now if she doesn't reply to me in any way, as I am hoping she will do. Maybe the best thing would have been just to try to completely forget her, but its so hard because we became so close.
After this though, if I hear nothing after having sent this letter, then I will have to try to get her out of my mind. Although I will never ever forget the great times we spent together, they have meant too much to me to forget.

spikes_insane @ 2007-08-08T12:53:00

2007-08-08T12:00:15Z

How am I feeling today? Not any better, I miss her, really do miss her. I did accept that she no longer wanted to remain friends, but now I don't want to have. I just want her to forgive me and let things be back to how they were. She is someone I need in my life, and in some ways its getting harder as the days go by, not easier as I first thought they would.
Still everything reminds me of her, something completely random for example, like an apple reminds me of the day we spent at the lakes once.
I know its my own fault what happened, but she was my best mate, who I really want back.

spikes_insane @ 2007-08-07T23:46:00

2007-08-07T22:50:35Z

I fucking miss her like mad. This isn't something thats just gonna go away, its going to take a long time, if it ever does. I'd do anything to make amends, but theres nothing I can do.

spikes_insane @ 2007-08-07T01:21:00

2007-08-07T00:34:19Z

I've found today to be hard, very hard. It can only get easier though, not sure how long it may take, but I know eventually I'll be a bit more like my old self again.
Had a chat with Claire tonight, she was right about some things and in some ways made me feel a little better. It has been my first heartbreak, i just have to move on even if I don't think i'll be able to. I'm still happy single for now and plan to stay that way. I have lost the best friend I've ever had in my life, and that is still what mostly hurts, but if she was as great a friend as I thought, surely she'd have forgiven me, even though I have put her through a lot.
I still don't know what'll happen if we ever bump into each other in the future, that could be dificult. It may never happen, I might go the rest of my life without ever seeing her again. If we do, then I'm happy to say hello, I just don't know if she would be.
Work today was bareable, it was hard going back as my minds still a mess, i'm mostly left on my own though, so I coped. I think after V Festival I will quit. Then I'll either see about this job at fujitsu, or join an agency.

spikes_insane @ 2007-08-06T11:45:00

2007-08-06T10:55:53Z

Am back at work later. I'm kinda dreading it, but then agan maybe it will take my mind off Nicola.
Not sure how i'm feeling today really. I think its going to be difficult. Every day for the last three months I have spoken to Nicola in some way or seen her. Most of the time it'd be at least a couple of phonecalls a day. As well as camming on msn and seeing each other in person. Even the last week since what happened, I have briefly chatted to her on msn, even if it has been awkward and more of a simple hello.
Today will be the first time in the three months since knowing her I won't have spoken to her in any way, and its going to be hard. But I guess things will get easier as each day passes and I get used to it.
It is hard though, there is so much that reminds me of her, little things people may mention, or things I see. Spent so much time with Nicola and we bonded so well that even the smallest thing can remind me of her, and it does hurt.
Still not heard from Christina yet, not sure if she got my emails or not, I could still do with a chat with her. I also need to start eating again, I have lost a lot of weight. I know I'm skinny anyway, but even in my face you can see i've lost weight. I did start to eat again, but then yesterday I didn't eat anything.

What I did

2007-08-05T23:03:00Z

I think its time I posted about what I did. Not sure I planned to ever make this public or not, but fuck it I'm going to. If people want to judge me, its up to them. My closest mates know about it anyway, but I just feel theres things I need to type up.
On Monday I tried to kill myself. I say I tried to kill myself, but did I really want to die? I don't know. I took an overdose and ended up having to go to hospital. In all honesty I don't think I really wanted to die, part of me did, and to be honest part of me still does, but I don't think I am actually ready to die.
There are several reasons why I overdosed, and I would have to say its the stupidest thing I've ever done. I ended up hurting a fair few people, especially Nicola, as in truth it was partly due to her I did it, and she was aware of this. I wrote out notes and everything, she read the one for her.
Nicola is one of the best people to ever come into my life, she has done so much for me, and we became best mates. Doing what I did hurt her more than anything, and I regret it with all my heart what I did.
We have totally lost what we had and today she let me know she can't even just remain friends, so I have lost her forever.
Today has not been a good day, hearing this really did make me as low as I was Monday, if not lower. I once again felt like I wanted to die, even started googling how to make a noose the right way.
I won't do it, yet there is still part of me that wants to, I guess if I really got into the right frame of mind and didn't worry about anything else, I would. There is always something there to stop me though.
In time I will hpefully get over how I'm feeling now, I know I just need time, but it is harder knowing I have lost my best friend.
The thing is, if it was just someone you were in love with you lost, as painful as that may be, you'd eventually get over it. The fact that she was also my best friend makes is a hell of a lot harder.
I know I have to move on and forget about it all, and its going to be hard and take a long time, and for the rest of my life I will miss her like anything.
I have hurt her in ways I can not imagine, and I have hurt her more than anyone in my life.
This hurts me, knowing how much I have hurt her, and it hurts me knowing I have lost her. I will always remember the good times we had together, there were a lot. But it will also always remind me of her and hurt knowing shes no longer there.
I think right now the best thing I can do for myself is just get her out of my mind, and concentrate on getting a new job.
What really makes it hard is she did nothing wrong, she is and always will be my best mate in my eyes even if I never see her again. I have let her know I am always there for her is she ever needs me and if she feels she can talk to me again. She never did anything wrong ever and has been one of the most special people to ever enter my life. Thats what makes it harder knowing she will no longer be a part of it.
If anyone does reply to this, please do not say anything against Nicola, have a go at me as I am a twat and did something very stupid.

spikes_insane @ 2007-08-05T15:05:00

2007-08-05T14:15:25Z

Well, I think thats it, think Nicola has gone for good. Shes basically said she can't handle even being friends. I've totally fucked up and lost one of the truest and best mates I've ever had. I do understand why its hard for her, I was hoping in time she'd forgive me, but I guess it was a pretty major thing I did.
I would do anything to remain mates, and who knows, maybe in years to come we'll bump into each other and things will change. I guess that right now I have to forget about her and move on. She said shes started seeing someone too, which did hurt, but as long as she is happy.
I will always cherish the 3 months I have known her, they have been very special to me and I will always feel the same way about her as I do right now, I just wish it didn't have to end quite like it has done.
Its time for me to move on and get my job sorted right now, and women I am not even going to bother with, I am happy being single for the rest of my life. I think I am going to take up Russ's offer for a job at fujitsu if he can get me one.

spikes_insane @ 2007-08-01T15:14:00

2007-08-01T14:22:52Z

Today I am feeling better. Woke up still hoping it'd all been a dream, but no such luck. I am feeling more positive about things thats for sure, and am going to get up and start doing things. I need to really work myself out of where I am now, get my life sorted out, and I am more deterined than ever to do so.
What happened on Monday I still dread to think about, but I have to move on. I still have no idea what will happen and if I will remain friends with Nicola. I've hurt her in ways no one else ever has. She needs time away, but wether or not there will come a time where she will want to know me again, I still don't know. Shes the best mate i've ever had in all honesty, and thats the main thing which is making it difficult for me right now, not having her to talk to.

spikes_insane @ 2007-07-31T13:54:00

2007-07-31T13:07:13Z

Woke up today, and realised yesterday wasn't a dream, bugger. Not really sure how I feel right now, still feel regret, but lots of other things too, which is not so good.
Milky called last night, not too sure what he thought I'd done, shall have to ask him what he thought it was. Think he was a bit worried about me though after reading the previous entry.
Am feeling pretty confused right now, I emailed Christina, asked if she could call me. Kinda fancy someone to chat 2, but theres only 2 people I want to chat to right now, one being Christina, and the other doesn't want to right now, for obvious reasons. I dunno if Christina will call, dunno when she'll get the email, it may be weeks. Only ever chatted to her on the phone once and that was years ago, she never liked to. I will wait in hope though just incase she does.
Not too sure what to do with myself today now, I think getting out of the house might help though.
All of this still feels like a dream though, and I wish I could just wake up.

spikes_insane @ 2007-07-30T23:17:00

2007-07-30T22:23:59Z

Today I did something very stupid. It does feel very weird right now though, as if I am dreaming this whole day and I keep thinking I'll wake up. I keep hoping I will too, because what I did today was really not good. It is a very surreal feeling, it is unbelievable what has happened, not like me at all. I have ended up hurting and upsetting a fair few people and have possibly lost the best friend I have ever had. I regret every single second of today and just wish I could restart the day over.

spikes_insane @ 2007-07-27T14:19:00

2007-07-27T13:29:40Z

Right, what have I been up to? Wednesday went to London with Nicola, she had to go for an agency interview thing, so made sure she got there ok.
Last night we went for a few drinks which was top banana. Um thats about all I have been up to really. What a fun and exciting life I lead.
Tomorrow I was thinking about going to Milkys planned piss up, but I just can not afford it with Daves leaving do, the pub crawl and V festival coming up. I am not even sure I can afford to drink all the way through the pub crawl, so I may not make it right from the start. So if I don't drink all the way, I am sorry to Alex, Jayjay and Milky, the true hardcores, although Milky did stop drinking on the last one.
Sunday, me and Nicola are off to Madame Tussauds which should be a laugh, and think I'm gonna go out for a few beers with Dave tomorrow.
Job hunting is still poo, although Russ mentioned the other day he may be able to get me a job at fujitsu, I am just hoping its not dodgy hours. Even if it is, it may be good to just go for it for the time being to get some experience.
Peter said last night I have 31 days holiday left, that can't be right, surely, thats a whole month :oS I'll get him to double check next week, and shit I have to remember to book off V festival weekend!!! Still need a tent yet too, but I'm sure I'll find one in time.
Oh yeah, Nicolas been chatting to some psychic bloke who has been telling her things, some of it is fairly accurate and impressive. Still think hes full of shit though, however he did say something very disturbing to her earlier, just hope it doesn't come true :oS

spikes_insane @ 2007-07-15T23:46:00

2007-07-15T23:05:54Z

I have not done a decent entry in here for ages. When I say a decent entry, I mean one with random things I have been up to. Been neglecting my journals a bit, and have been posting some totally private entries in my deadjournal. Don't think I will ever make them accesable to friends, but maybe some of the things written in them I may at a later date mention in a public entry.

Anyway what have I been up to? To be honest have not been up to a great deal. I don't go out so much lately, which in some ways I think is a good thing. I think I am at an age now where I dont feel I need to go out Friday and Saturday to get hammered. I have started to find it boring. It is nice to go out every now and again and get drunk, see people I've not seen in a while, but its a bit of a waste of money if I am with the same people all the time spending all my money on beer. Would rather be out doing other things for a change.

Yesterday went out with Nicola to find her some glasses, not that she needs them, she just wanted some. After that she took me driving, let me drive her car. I have not driven in 8 years, after a few minutes I got the feel of the car and was doing ok. She only let me drive around an empty carpark, but it certainly has got me wanting to take up driving again. I do think I will need some refresher lessons though, things did start to come back to me, but some things I am not so confident with yet.

Today went to Nicolas, she made a cake, which was fantastic, just a bit sweet, but we had a laugh. Was going to go to rhthyms of the world, but no one seemed to be going, so didn't in the end.

Lots of other things have happened recently, infact there are things in the last few months I never upated about, and probably should have. Michelle was down in London last week, and brought Claire along, and Mike came along too for some of the days we met up. Going to try to make sure I type up some proper updates in here from now on.

spikes_insane @ 2007-04-15T22:55:00

2007-04-15T21:58:08Z

The last few days have been full of sunshine, meals with old and new friends, VERY busy doing nothing at all. Oddly enough there have been loads of jobs offered via text and email and some of them I will be taking on.

The waves have been unusually large for this coastline for a couple of days, although it is back to normal this morning, and swimming has been banned. That doesn’t worry me, of course, being a non swimmer, but Sylvia has missed her 7am dip in the sea. One guy went in and the Bajan lads were soon shouting at him to get out ‘cos they told him they weren’t prepared to risk themselves saving him. He struggled to get back to shore, the undertow was so great. With red flags everywhere, why did he go in? The Bajans should buy a camera like mine. It is magic. Whenever I go out onto the balcony to video the large waves………………they stop!

When the weather is nice over here and the waves are small, there is an oddity occurs when it rains. The rain is warm and generally does not last long BUT all the tourists come out of the sea and run for cover because it is raining. Excuse me, but aren’t they already wet?

Not only do I not swim, I don’t sunbathe either. This trip, however, I felt so guilty about not keeping Sylvia company that I decided to reveal my body to the population on the beach and went down to join her. I stripped to my non-swimming trunks and noticed a lot of people grabbing for their sunglasses as the reflected glare hit their eyes. Susan was delighted and insisted on rubbing Factor 40 all over me. I laid there with my eyes closed as she did it, Lord and Master that I am, and did not notice that she missed bits. Not only did the sand flies feast upon my ankles, but my legs now look like strawberry and vanilla ice cream. My belly button glows red in the dark. Why do people do this stuff? Never again.

I sit on the balcony and people watch, including one wonderful image that I saw, a lady who was very overweight and when she stood in profile she looked pregnant back and front. What a cartoon she would have made. Sylvia came in laughing one morning after a walk up the beach where she had spotted, outside Sandy Lane Hotel, a line of men on the chairs on the sand, all reading the Daily Telegraph and turning the pages in unison.

Nigel, the Doctor Landlord, lent us a book on old Barbados. Great photographs from the past including one of an old black lady called Betty Swollocks. That’s the same name as my mother.

We have met up with lots of interesting people: David Croft, the great comedy TV writer (whose family complained about bites) ; Judith Chalmers (so I KNEW I was on holiday then; Carlo Santana dropped in (used to be with the group Paper Lace and he was complaining about bites); and last night we dined with the artist Janice Brock. This has been a good break but today we must fly home and go back to work. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to the snow and the cold……..I really CAN NOT!